Totally Not Fake News: Christmas Gifts – Battle Red Blog

Houston, TX – For the third time this season, the Houston Texans will look to try to put together a certified winning streak. Coming off their third win of the season and eighth straight win over Jacksonville, Houston certainly appeared in good spirits. “Great win for the team, for the city of Houston, and for the glory of the Word, as foretold by the prophet Jack Easterby!” exclaimed Head Coach David Culley, who seemed to catch himself and immediately add “and when I mean the Prophet Jack Easterby, I don’t mean to say that he has any direct control over the whole course of the team, to include communicating with the GM during the game, who in turn then communicates to me on how to coach, or basics like how to call timeouts or when to think about going for it on fourth downs, or just, you know, telling what to do. I don’t have to think…which is really hard, if I think about it…ouch, now my head hurts.”

Houston Texans v Jacksonville Jaguars
What was that? Nick, Jack, Nick…Hello? HELLO?!?!? Should I punt or kick the field goal? HELLO????
Photo by Michael Reaves/Getty Images

When we asked Nick Caserio about this, he could only screech “He is a rookie head coach. Like all rookies, they are going to hit the wall. Coaching a full fourteen games as the primary figurehead, er, head coach…that is a lot of a guy. Can run into brain drain very quickly, especially if he doesn’t know well enough to take care of his mind over the course of a season.”

As for any further questions about Jack Easterby, Culley replied: “I don’t mean to say that he has any direct control over the players, even if they constantly refer to him in press conferences, statements, etc. No, he does not have total control of the team. He has direct control over the team.”

Carolina Panthers v Houston Texans
Settle down my sheep, settle down…
Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

For the Texans, it was a good day. Davis Mills was particularly buoyant, bouncing up and down on the plane ride all the way home after the game according to reports. “We scored in the second half. I threw the ball good, didn’t I? Didn’t I? Huh? Didn’t I Mr, Kelly, I threw so goooooooooddddd!!!!”

“Yes Davis, you threw the ball well” sighed an exasperated Tim Kelly. “Now Davis, you go to the break room and get hot cocoa and some Christmas cookies.” After Mills bounced away, Kelly just unloaded “Mother[Easterby]!!! That kid won’t shut the [Easterby] up!!! He has been that way for DAYS!!!! I tried spiking his juice with some Benadryl, but nope…didn’t work. Now with Joey Bosa out, this kid is going to be insufferable. Hopefully he gets everything he wants from Santa and can settle the [Easterby] down.”

NFL: DEC 12 Seahawks at Texans
All I want for Christmas is for someone to shut that kid up!!!!
Photo by Leslie Plaza Johnson/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

However, with the mention of Bosa, that does bring up a rather unfortunate reality in the NFL, and apparently, the rest of the world. COVID-19 continues to get in the way of the all important business of playing NFL games. With the new and incredibly virulent omicron version of COVID rapidly spreading across the nation, it was inevitable that NFL players would be impacted. Three games in the past week were postponed, and currently, 14 Texans players are on the COVID-19 list.

[Ed Note: The numbers will continue to remain in flux, as individuals continue to go on and come off the list]

“Sucks to have to be away from the team and the game and all, but hey, these things happen” observed an unnamed player on the COVID list. “Although, the strange thing was that when my name officially went on the list, I suddenly got a bunch of text messages from Laremy [Tunsil]. Hadn’t heard much from him since he went out with that injury or whatever. But after that transaction, he was all ‘Hey man, you wanna hang out? Workout together? Try to see if this plant can help fight omicron?’ That was quite odd. You would think that he might not actually want to play for the team or something…”

Houston Texans v Cleveland Browns
Back in the days when he could be found on the field…
Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

“Well, I guess Laremy is still trying to get back into game shape, but we expect all players that are not testing positive and following all of our carefully calculated rules to ensure strong disciplined play on the field. I am sure that he just missed bonding with his teammates and would not try to do something to avoid suiting up by trying to catch omicron” opined Coach Culley.

“You can do that?” exclaimed Justin Reid. “You mean that is all I would have to do to get out of this [Easterby]forsaken land of a cluster[Easterby] of a team…Huh…go figure.”

“Hey, let me know if Laremy figures that out” chimed in Brandin Cooks. “We’re almost all vaccinated. Wouldn’t hurt…and I can rest up for my new team, er, the next season.”

[Ed Note: After this interview, Brandin Cooks joined several other players on the COVID list. When we at Totally Not Fake News reached out for comment, Cooks noted “Thank you Jesus!!! This is wonderfu…er, I mean I am very disappointed to have to miss another game or two where we will get crushed by a competent team. Oh well…I guess I’ll just have to wait until I play next season, probably in a different uniform. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just got a call from Laremy…”]

At least as of the publication of this article, the Chargers and the Texans will slug it out on Boxing Day. Whether the franchise left tackle for the Texans will be on the field or not, we will monitor the progress and report on what happens on and off the field for this team.